Has This Ever Happened To You?

by swag_admin on December 21, 2011

There’s this chick that’s let’s say you’ve been after for a while.  Finally she decides (the ball is always in her court in the beginning) to let you hit it.  You’ve been saying to yourself and bragging to your boys that you’re gonna kill it when you get up in it. DON’T FRONT, WE ALL DO IT!!! So you take her to dinner, a movie, or maybe she just calls and says stop thru. We know what “stop thru” means, “Aww shit, I’m about to hit it!!!”

So you make a pit stop, pick a 36pack of Magnums (damn playa, that’s how you rolling?) and start having a conversation with what I will refer to as your “Man’s En Nem” (your dick gentlemen, your dick) mentally while doing 20 miles over the speed limit to get to her house.

You finally get there, she opens the door and all you can say is, “I’ma beat the breaks off that ass”!!! Now I need you to pay close attention to what is written from this point because chances are this has already happened to you and for some of you, on more than one occasion.

 

So now it’s about to be on and popping right? Maybe? For some of you the answer to this questions is “hell yeah!!!,” but for others the nightmare is about to begin.  The first thing you realize is that that ass looks a lot phatter outta those jeans.

 

Have you ever seen those mirrors that say “objects may appear larger than they are?” Well, that ass is a whole lot bigger than it appeared when she had clothes on.  If you’ve really been blessed with the luck of the draw you’ve just realized something even better. Shawty is a “Freak”.  Jackpot!!! Not quite.

This is where something as simple as “getting some” becomes complicated.  All of sudden these paranoid thoughts come to mind.  What if she thinks I’m too small? What if I don’t last long enough? What if she doesn’t orgasm?  Can I really handle that ass let alone kill it? And the worst one of them all, what if she tells her girlfriends or my friends that the dick was whack.  You already know women talk a whole lot more than men, so your reputation as the self-proclaimed “Beast” in the bedroom could very easily be put in serious jeopardy.  I find it amazing that the average dude’s brain seems to have a direct line to his “Mans En Nem” and that all of these questions are sent from your big head to your little head before you can blink, and just that fast, things have gotten completely twisted.  Now remember this is the first time you’ve been with her and probably your last of you don’t step your game up so, your first impression is paramount.

I don’t think women realize just how much stress they put us under.  This condition is called “Sexual Performance Anxiety” and it’s a very common sexual problem in which men (and yes, even women) acquire brutal anxiety when it comes time to engage in sexual activity. What ultimately happens is that you become so fully engrossed in the fear of the inability to perform, that it ends up overtaking what should’ve been a spontaneous flow of sexual feelings.

I can be honest and share with you when it used to happen to me from time to time and that was when I had too much time on my hands.  This “too much time’ is in all actuality is only a few seconds, but let me tell you when this time seems like an eternity and brings out the discouraging thoughts.  This is by far the longest period of time that a man has to endure in his life.  Think about it, why is it no matter how prepared you are when you get there the condom is never in the right pocket, the right drawer, the right room, or the right car. Even if it is, all of a sudden you’re a pitiful as a child with a tamper proof pill bottle.  It just won’t open, WTF?  This my friend is what I like to call “Down Dick Time.”  It’s called this because this is the time when you have the greatest possibility of losing an erection, and it’s where time, space, your dick, and the condom live in perfect harmony  to destroy you.  It’s kinda like Murphy’s Law but in a perverse way.

In Down Dick Time fifteen seconds of looking for, opening, and applying a condom in real time is in all actuality 5 months, 3 days, 26 minutes and 2.6 seconds.  Fellas, I don’t just throw information out there.  I’ve done independent in-depth research which took me three years, countless equations and a lot of crayons to figure out so don’t laugh. Where sex is concerned this is known as the abyss of manhood, and the place which inspires the self-fulfilling prophecy.  The next thing you know you’re saying to yourself, “ hurry, hurry, hurry, open it, open it, damnit why won’t it open, please don’t go down, please, please, please, WTF is wrong with this wrapper, oh no, oh no, no, no, no, waaaaaaaiiiiiiiitttttt, going, going, and your done!!!

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